Second Cheapest Wine

By

Paul Briganti

          INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT - DAY

          SEBASTIAN and MARY are at a restaurant. The WAITER hands
          them the wine list.

                              WAITER
                    Any wine tonight?

          Sebastian looks at the wine list. It's comically confusing
          and hard to read.

                              SEBASTIAN
                         (confident)
                    We'll take a bottle of your Second
                    Cheapest Wine.

                              WAITER
                         (slightly impressed)
                    Very good, sir.

          He leaves. Mary smiles at Sebastian, a job well done.

          EXT. VINEYARD

          Fade to a product shot of SECOND CHEAPEST WINE. It's on a
          fancy table in front of an even fancier vineyard.

                              NARRATOR
                    Second Cheapest Wine.

          INT. WINE STORE - NIGHT

          MARGE walks in, restless.

                              NARRATOR
                    You don't know much about wine, but
                    you do know that you shouldn't get
                    the cheapest. That's why we make it
                    easy for you to get the Second
                    Cheapest.

          EXT. VINEYARD

          A beautiful dainty hand is pouring the wine into a glass.

                              WHISPERING PERSON (O.S.)
                    Second Cheapest Wine.

          INT. WINE STORE

          Product shot of wine.

                              NARRATOR
                    Second Cheapest Wine is fermented
                    from only the finest of the second
                    cheapest grapes.

          Product shot of grapes.

                              NARRATOR
                    We'd elaborate, but we know you
                    don't care.

          Wine product shot.

                              WHISPERING PERSON (O.S.)
                    Second cheapest wine.

          INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

          The waiter pours Mary a small glass. She pauses, confused.
          He motions for her to taste it. She does, indifferently.

                              MARY
                    Mm. Yes, it's...wine.

                              WAITER
                    Very good.

          He pours the glass. Mary shrugs at Sebastian.

          INT. WINE STORE - NIGHT

          Marge easily finds the SCW display in front of the store.

                              NARRATOR
                    Second Cheapest Wine is placed in
                    the front of all wine stores, so
                    you don't have to search for it
                    while the clerks obviously judge
                    you.

          Two WINE CLERKS look at her, snobbishly.

          INT. BEAUTIFUL EXPENSIVE APARTMENT

          Marge enters the party with the bottle of wine.

          HEATHER and CHARLES take the bottle.

                              CHARLES
                         (impressed)
                    2004.

                              NARRATOR
                    Impress your friends with a year
                    that's not the current year.
                    Because trust us, that's good.

          EXT. VINEYARD

          The wine is now poured in the glass. The dainty hand swishes
          the glass around by the neck of the glass.

                              NARRATOR
                    Also hold the glass like this.
                    (quickly) Because that's also good.

                              WHISPERING PERSON (O.S.)
                    Second Cheapest Wine.

          INT. CLASSY APARTMENT

          The party is hitting it off, everyone drinks the wine.

                              NARRATOR
                    Second Cheapest Wine. Outside of
                    the cheapest, it's the cheapest.

          POST-HUH:

          There is now CHEAPEST WINE set up in a product shot.

                              NARRATOR
                    Also, try our new "Cheapest Wine".
                    For our under-21 customers.