From CH Staff on
The finest vintage money can buy. Your money, anyway.
By Paul Briganti
INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT - DAY SEBASTIAN and MARY are at a restaurant. The WAITER hands them the wine list. WAITER Any wine tonight? Sebastian looks at the wine list. It's comically confusing and hard to read. SEBASTIAN (confident) We'll take a bottle of your Second Cheapest Wine. WAITER (slightly impressed) Very good, sir. He leaves. Mary smiles at Sebastian, a job well done. EXT. VINEYARD Fade to a product shot of SECOND CHEAPEST WINE. It's on a fancy table in front of an even fancier vineyard. NARRATOR Second Cheapest Wine. INT. WINE STORE - NIGHT MARGE walks in, restless. NARRATOR You don't know much about wine, but you do know that you shouldn't get the cheapest. That's why we make it easy for you to get the Second Cheapest. EXT. VINEYARD A beautiful dainty hand is pouring the wine into a glass. WHISPERING PERSON (O.S.) Second Cheapest Wine. INT. WINE STORE Product shot of wine. NARRATOR Second Cheapest Wine is fermented from only the finest of the second cheapest grapes. Product shot of grapes. NARRATOR We'd elaborate, but we know you don't care. Wine product shot. WHISPERING PERSON (O.S.) Second cheapest wine. INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT - NIGHT The waiter pours Mary a small glass. She pauses, confused. He motions for her to taste it. She does, indifferently. MARY Mm. Yes, it's...wine. WAITER Very good. He pours the glass. Mary shrugs at Sebastian. INT. WINE STORE - NIGHT Marge easily finds the SCW display in front of the store. NARRATOR Second Cheapest Wine is placed in the front of all wine stores, so you don't have to search for it while the clerks obviously judge you. Two WINE CLERKS look at her, snobbishly. INT. BEAUTIFUL EXPENSIVE APARTMENT Marge enters the party with the bottle of wine. HEATHER and CHARLES take the bottle. CHARLES (impressed) 2004. NARRATOR Impress your friends with a year that's not the current year. Because trust us, that's good. EXT. VINEYARD The wine is now poured in the glass. The dainty hand swishes the glass around by the neck of the glass. NARRATOR Also hold the glass like this. (quickly) Because that's also good. WHISPERING PERSON (O.S.) Second Cheapest Wine. INT. CLASSY APARTMENT The party is hitting it off, everyone drinks the wine. NARRATOR Second Cheapest Wine. Outside of the cheapest, it's the cheapest. POST-HUH: There is now CHEAPEST WINE set up in a product shot. NARRATOR Also, try our new "Cheapest Wine". For our under-21 customers.