From CH Staff on
The Internet's only safe-haven for girls comes under attack. From the rest of the Internet.
By Emily Axford & Streeter Seidell
EXT. A WALLED FORTRESS - ESTABLISHING SHOT The Fortress of Pinterest, a large pinkish/red fortress. INT. PINTEREST FORTRESS The women of Pinterest, KATHLEEN, CATHERINE, and KATIE are gathered with great urgency . The sound of armies of intruders chanting at their gate can be heard. KATHLEEN Women of Pinterest. The men of the internet threaten our fortress. KATIE Which legion? The trolls? The memers? The Facebook bros? CATHERINE (looking out a window, fearfully) ...All of them. United. They gather on the plain. KATHLEEN My god... As she speaks, we see the massive army gathered outside in a wide empty field that surround the walled fortress. The TROLLS carry signs like "fag" and "u suck." The MEMERS are riding Nyan cats with an oversized "POPSICLE KID" being held by chains. The FACEBOOK BROS are humans, tangled up each with one arm around another's shoulder and a beer in the other one, playing beer pong, etc. KATHLEEN They seek to invade us, the way they did YouTube, Tumblr, and so many others. KATIE We must protect our homepage! Only here can one post pictures of wedding gowns and green smoothies in peace! ALL IT IS SO! MESSENGER (OC) YO! I am but an envoy! The women look out the window at a Messenger, SCUMBAG STEVE, on a Nyan cat, standing at the Gate. KATHLEEN What is it you seek? MESSENGER Yo, we seek entry to your forbidden temple! KATHLEEN And why is that? So you have yet another home for your negativity and derision? MESSENGER Nah nah. Yo, we desire no such thing. We merely seek to lurk! The women look to Kathleen. KATHLEEN (sinister) Open the gates. CUT TO: EXT. WALLED FORTRESS ALPHA TROLL, a Troll riding a Nyan cat, speaks to a crowd of TROLLS, MEMERS, and BROS all holding banners with memes, comments and GIFs on them. ALPHA TROLL There may come a day when the lulz of men fail, and women can post pictures of themselves online without someone asking to see their tits, BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY, MY TROLLS! MEMER (pointing) My liege... The Messenger rides out through the gate. He is on the Nyan cat. He's now wearing a wedding dress and his hair has been fashionably braided. He slumps over and falls off, dead. Everyone is aghast. A bro hunches down to examine the body. BRO (shocked) They gave him a fishtail braid. A moment of hushed horror. A battle cry is heard. REVEAL a memer holding a vuvuzela. He holds the note, then takes his lips away, amused. VUVUZELA MEMER Remember these things? Other people mutter "lol" and "down vote" VUVUZELA MEMER (suddenly serious) For honor!!! The battle begins. A bunch of trolls unleash flaming CURSOR ARROWS at the fortress. The Bros catapult giant ping pong balls. A horde of LOL Rage Faces charge the wall, as some are cut down by arrows the rest change to FUUUUUU Rage Faces. One FUUUU rage face stops charging, feels his chest and sees blood. He looks down to reveal an arrow sticking out of his chest. His face changes to an OMG/Terror Rage Face, as he collapses. CUT TO: INT. PINTEREST FORTRESS Flaming arrows hit the walls. The women panic. KATHLEEN (to the Women of Pinterest) They're flaming our walls! Quick, Legion of Etsy, CRAFT! CUT TO: A bunch of girls on the castle's rampart push a giant glue gun over the edge so hot glue spills all over the invading army. The army retaliates by holding up thumbs downs and shouting "fag" and "nice tits" (from the Bros). CUT TO: A group of Men push a GIANT BACON-BATTERING RAM to the gate. MAN (giving orders) BA-CON! BOOM. The bacon ram SLAMS against the gate. Kathleen and the women of Pinterest lean out the window. KATHLEEN KALE! A Row of women step to the rampart and rain Kale down on the men operating the ram. The men scream in horror as the vegetables hit them. MAN IT'S A SUPERFOOD! RETREAT! Catherine is distracted by something in the distance. CATHERINE The Bronies ride from West! CUT TO: On the horizon, BRONIES, an elite group of cavalry, riding My Little Ponies, rides in, shaking the earth with their fearsome gait. CUT TO: KATHLEEN Sisters of Modcloth! the Ninja Cats! CUT TO: A bunch of Ninja Cats are crawling the wall. The Modcloth women in the ramparts use sewing thread to distract them. They stop climbing the wall and attack the string, falling to their death. CUT TO: The gate of the fortress opens to reveal WHITE KNIGHTS. ALPHA TROLL (looking up, snarled) White Knights. He charges after the White Knights. Chaos ensues. Memes are fighting, STAR WARS CHARACTERS use their light sabers, topless leaked celeb shots blurred out scale the walls, GIFS repeatedly hit the same place in a wall, compromising its structural integrity. A COLLEGE FRESHMAN meme gets killed. It makes a Wilhelm Scream. My Little Ponies buck and Bronies fall. ETSY GIRL 1 leaves the gates and enters the battlefield. ESTY GIRL 2 (calling from the ramparts, very concerned) Where are you going? Etsy Girl 1 turns around and holds a finger to her lips, as if to say "Shhh." She looks serene, about to commit an act of self-sacrifice. She poses, then holds up a camera to take a picture of herself. The Bro sees and is about to jump in to photobomb it. ALPHA TROLL Don't do it! It's a photobomb! It’s too late. He already has. BRO (in photobomb position) Wait, what? The camera flash goes off, creating a huge explosion. CU on Etsy Girl 1's serene face while everything explodes in slow motion around her, her hair flying angelically. She is dying for what she believes in. Ethereal war music plays. The music continues as we see Memes slow motion reacting to the explosion, covering their faces, etc. Smoke fills the air then dissipates to REVEAL: A blue sky. It is the next day. The wall is nearly destroyed. Pictures of homemade earrings and converse sneakers have been turned into hazcheeseburger memes. "fag", "gay", and "derp" are graffitied on the wall. Homemade Aprons are torn and hanging. Corpses lie at the wall. Nevertheless, it stands. A FOREVER ALONE staggers, holding his severed arm and collapses. INT. INSIDE THE CASTLE WALLS The Women of Pinterest, Kathleen, Catherine, and Katie survey the damage with wounded but hopeful spirits. KATHLEEN Our walls have held. Pinterest lives to see the morning. KATIE Their armies have retreated, but...look! Katie is pointing at something large just outside the gate. CUT TO: The women stand in front of a giant wedding cake. KATIE They offer truce! CATHERINE Bring this symbol of our victory to the homepage at once! Women began pushing the giant cake towards the gate. KATHLEEN I had one just as this at my own wedding! As she says this, we slowly zoom in on the Giant Wooden Wedding cake to reveal a legion of TROLL FACE GUYS hidden inside. END.