From CH Staff on
America and Iraq have called it quits, but there's the little issue of a bunker in the oven.
By Dan Gurewitch & Emily Axford
INT. SITUATION ROOM - DAY TITLE CARD: SEPTEMBER 30, 2012 GENERAL AMERICA, a high-ranking officer in charge of the Iraq War, sits with GENERAL IRAQ (also male) in an important office with the AMERICAN FLAG on the wall. IRAQ Hi... thanks for meeting with me. AMERICA Anything for Iraq's highest-ranking general - we've been through a lot together. Now, what can I do for you? IRAQ So. Remember nine months ago, when you said you were going to pull out of Iraq? AMERICA Yeah... IRAQ Well... you didn't totally pull out. AMERICA Um... I'm pretty sure I pulled out. Yeah. I pulled out and dispatched my troops in Kuwait. IRAQ Well, maybe. But you left a couple of troops behind... and now there's an American military base in my country. AMERICA No no no. We were so careful! IRAQ You went in with almost no protection. AMERICA Okay, but I have good control of my army. I know when to pull out. IRAQ What about Vietnam? AMERICA That was years ago! I didn't know what I was doing! IRAQ In any event, it's there and we have to do something about it. AMERICA How do you even know it's mine? It could be British, or French. IRAQ It looks just like you. Iraq hands America a photo of TWO AMERICAN SOLDIERS tossin' up SHOCKERS. IRAQ (shy) And anyway, I... haven't been invaded since you left. AMERICA Really? IRAQ Like you care. The whole time you were in me, you wanted to be in Iran. America's CELL PHONE RINGS. He looks at it; doesn't answer. IRAQ Who's that, Pakistan? Is that who you're invading now? AMERICA No- I don't know- it's complicated. Look, maybe I stayed in you a little longer than I meant to. IRAQ I was telling you to get out for so long! AMERICA I just didn't want to leave before you finished! You know, rebuilding a stable government! IRAQ I can finish myself, thanks! AMERICA (doubtful) Eh... IRAQ (getting up) I don't know why I came to you. I'm probably just gonna give your base away to Germany. They've been trying to have another military for years. AMERICA No, wait- Iraq stops in his tracks. America is overwhelmed with emotion. AMERICA I... I want to keep it. IRAQ How are you gonna pay for it? Can you even afford a military base? You can't even pay for your own health care. AMERICA We'll make it work. I'll talk to China, I'll take out another loan. IRAQ ...You'd do that? AMERICA I do it all the time. (beat) Don't you remember when I first invaded you? We had something special. IRAQ (smiling shyly) I guess I... did like the attention. AMERICA We can do this. Just you and me. Together. America tenderly brushes Iraq's hair away from his face. A tender moment. The two generals begin to LEAN TOWARDS EACH OTHER, ABOUT TO KISS. IRAQ Wait. What about Afghanistan? AMERICA (callously flippant) Oh, I'm gonna be in that slut forever. END.