Narnia Dogs Can't Stand

By

Patrick Cassels & Emily Axford

          EXT. NARNIA -- WOODS (LIKE A CHEAP PBS MOVIE)

          Three very proper British children (older actors in silly
          costumes), VIRGINIA, EDWARD and GEORGIE have just entered
          the realm. They look around in wonder. Georgie is fat.

                              GEORGIE
                    Where are we, Edward?

                              EDWARD
                    I don't know, Georgie. We just
                    stepped through the cupboard and--

                              LUCIUS (O.C.)
                    And entered a magical realm!

          REVEAL two talking wolves, LUCIUS and RUMPLEFUR, 
	  standing on their hind legs.

                              LUCIUS
                    Greetings. I am Lucius, and this is
                    Rumplefur. We've been awaiting your
                    arrival.

                              VIRGINIA
                         (guarding younger siblings)
                    What do you want from us?

          Lucius laughs and starts a dramatic speech. As he talks he
          does a stately walk, but it's awkward and unbalanced, like a
          dog that doesn't actually walk on two legs.

                              LUCIUS
                    We need your help. The White Witch
                    has stolen the throne. Only you
                    three can save our kingdom.

                              EDWARD
                         (off his walk)
                    Are you okay? Are you injured?

                              GEORGIE
                         (eating fudge)
                    Or... or dizzy?

                              RUMPLEFUR
                    We're fine! Stop wasting time. This
                    is a matter of great urgency!

          In his anger, Rumplefur stomps his hind paw. This throws him
          off balance. Hold on him for a beat as he sways to and fro.
          (Note: we don't see below Rumplefur's waist yet.)

                              VIRGINIA
                    Beg your pardon, but you can walk
                    on all fours if that's more
                    comfortable.

          Rumplefur and Lucius make APPALLED SCOFFING NOISES.

                              LUCIUS
                    We're quite comfortable on two
                    legs! After all, we are enchanted
                    animals who, who talk. And walk. On
                    two legs. If we were normal dogs,
                    could I do this?

                              RUMPLEFUR
                    Oh yeah watch this!

          For 10 seconds Lucius with great effort does a weird, wobbly
          shuffle back and forth. His dog legs shake with effort. The
          kids stare, deadpan.

                              LUCIUS
                    That was supposed to be a tap
                    dance. The snow messed me up.

                              EDWARD
                    You don't need to impress us. You
                    talk. You live inside a cupboard.

                              RUMPLEFUR
                    Balderdash! We're not trying to
                    impress you. We're a noble race of
                    talking, definitely walking wolves.

          Just then, BRYAN, another wolf, enters on all fours.

                              BRYAN
                         (in a stupid voice)
                    Three o'clock, guys! Time to sniff
                    each others' butts!

                              RUMPEFUR
                    We have visitors, Bryan. Humans.

                              BRYAN
                    Ah, geez.

          Bryan walks to Lucius and uses him to shimmy onto his hind
          legs, grunting with difficulty as he does it.

                              BRYAN
                         (now British)
                    Can I interest you in some lavender
                    cheese and elderberry wine?

          He turns to a silver tray of food on a stump.

          CLOSE UP on his doggy paws as they try and grab the wine and
          food. He IMMEDIATELY knocks everything over.

                              BRYAN
                    F*&#.

                              RUMPLEFUR
                    Not a problem! We'll get that!

          Rumplefur and Lucius try to bend down independently, but it
          is unsuccessful. They doggy pant in their frustration.

                              LUCIUS
                    Gimme your paw.  I mean hand.

          In an awkward motion, Rumplefur supports Lucius as he bends
          down.  Finally, they just kick away the dishes.

                              LUCIUS
                    There we are, right as a raindrop.
                    Tell us, what was your journey
                    like?

                              VIRGINIA
                    It was the most fantastic thing. We
                    stepped inside mumsy's cupboard
                    right here...

          All the kids turn around. There's nothing there.

                              EDWARD
                    But it was right there!

          The kids turn back around. REVEAL all the wolves on all
          fours, panting. Rumplefur is licking himself.

          Busted, the wolves jump back up to two legs awkwardly.

                              RUMPLEFUR
                    OH! I just dropped my, uh, monocle.

                              VIRGINA
                    You weren't wearing a monocle.

                              BRYAN
                         (condescending)
                    Yah. Because he dropped it, kid.

                              LUCIUS
                    Easy, Bryan. We are in the company
                    of our kingdom's saviors.
                         (to children)
                    We bow before you, brave ones.

          They stiffly and uncertainly lean forward. Two of them
          instantly fall, the third barely catches himself. 

                              LUCIUS
                    Okay, that counts as a bow!

                              GEORGIE
                         (pointing)
                    Are- are those bluejeans?

          A quick PAN down Rumplefur's waist. REVEAL he is wearing
          jeans -- tight little dad jeans with a cell phone clip.

          CLOSE on the jeans as Rumplefur's paw caresses the denim.

                              RUMPLEFUR
                    Ah, these old things? No normal
                    wolf would wear these, eh?

          Suddenly, a VIOLENT RUMBLE erupts.

                              EDWARD
                    What's going on?

                              RUMPLEFUR
                    It's the White Witch's army! Quick,
                    throw me that sword.

          Georgie sees a sword stuck in the ground near him.

                              GEORGIE
                    You're a wolf. Why don't you just
                    attack them? Like- like a wolf?

                              RUMPLEFUR
                    What? No time to talk. Give me the
                    damn sword!

          Georgie hands Rumplefur the sword.

                              RUMPLEFUR
                    She shall taste my steel!

          Rumplefur fumbles the sword like a cat with a toy, mumbling
          to himself: "Oop, almost got it.. Hold on..."

                              LUCIUS
                         (to children)
                    Come with us! Speed is of the
                    essence!

          Lucius and Bryan hop on two bikes, pedal and INSTANTLY fall.

                              LUCIUS/BRYAN
                    Ouch ouch! Owwwwwwww!

          Bryan and Lucius roll around, howling like dogs. END.