The Vibe (featuring Lisa Loeb, Chuck Wicks, Bobby Brackins, and Mike Catherwood)

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. A MOODY, REDDISH REALITY SHOW STAGE

          A few archetypal images (hopefuls singing
          their hearts out, contestants crying, etc.) flash as an
          ANNOUNCER woos us:

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Tonight, immediately following
                    Broken Badge, stay tuned for NBC's
                    groundbreaking new music
                    competition: The Vibe.

          The celebrity JUDGES deliver TALKING HEAD testimonials:

                              LISA LOEB
                    Most singing reality shows, they're
                    only about the image. But The Vibe
                    is different!

                              BOBBY BRACKINS
                    On The Vibe, auditions are 100%
                    pure.

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O,)
                    Join judges Lisa Loeb, Bobby
                    Brackins and DJ Mike Catherwood in
                    total sensory deprivation as they
                    search for America's next great
                    singer.

          CUT TO the auditions. The judges sit in SENSORY DEPRIVATION
          TANKS: odd-looking open tubs filled with milky water. They
          wear blinders, plastic earmuffs and swimsuits under black
          lights. 

          From her bizarre homeostasis, LOEB smiles:

                              LISA LOEB
                    Woo! I have a good feeling about
                    this girl! I'm feeling, like, I
                    think she's a middle-aged black
                    woman. Maybe older, but yeah.

          REVEAL the contestant on stage is actually a skinny British
          boy (TOM PHILIP). Beneath his TV smile, he's confused.

                              TOM
                    Right, no, my name's Tom Philip.
                    I'm from Bristol.

                              LISA LOEB
                    I've got no idea what's going on
                    but you're gonna be a STAR sister!

                              TOM
                    I haven't sung yet.

          An unsure Tom shuffles off as we jump to more TALKING HEADS:

                              CATHERWOOD
                    We're not influenced by phony
                    things like age or clothes. Or the
                    sound and tone of their singing...

                              BRACKINS
                    ...or the temperature of the room,
                    what time of day or night it is...

                              LOEB
                    ...or any sensation there's another
                    human around whatsoever!!!

          ON STAGE. A pretty FEMALE CONTESTANT finishes a ballad with
          big, throaty notes. She smiles and pants. The studio
          audience goes nuts, then finally dies down. Beat.

                              LOEB (IN TANK)
                    You can start whenever you want.

          The Female Contestant drops her head.

                              CATHERWOOD (V.O.)
                    It's just us, the singer, and the
                    imaginary people that materialize
                    in our heads after sitting in an
                    utter black void for 4 hours.

                              BRACKINS (IN TANK)
                    Eleven years old and you came all
                    the way from Canada by yourself to
                    sing tonight? That's crazy!

          REVEAL two middle-aged HISPANIC GRIPS on stage, taking down
          lights. They turn around.

                              HISPANIC GRIP 1
                    Um, we're wrapped guys.

                              LOEB (IN TANK)
                    I did not expect skills like this
                    from a married white guy with
                    dreadlocks from Louisiana!

                              HISPANIC GRIP 2
                         (to Grip 1, re: tanks)
                    These things freak me out.

                              CATHERWOOD (IN TANK)
                         (hallucinating?)
                    I think I see my father!

                              BRACKINS (TALKING HEAD)
                    The only thing that matters on The Vibe
                    is the music!
                         (beat)
                    Or, you know, the music we sense as
                    we spend our days in inky
                    nothingness.

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    This week, country sensation Chuck
                    Wicks joins the crew as guest
                    judge!

          An ALT COUNTRY CONTESTANT takes his Stetson off.
                         ALT CONTESTANT (CHOKING UP)
                    Mr. Wicks, you've just been a true
                    inspiration to me.

          CUT TO guest CHUCK WICKS strapped into one of the tubs.
          Unlike the seasoned judges, this is super weird to him.

                              CHUCK WICKS
                    I'm sorry. I just, I cannot see or
                    hear anything. At all. I'm very
                    confused. Hello?

                              CHUCK WICKS (TALKING HEAD)
                         (failed politeness)
                    It was the most horrifying
                    experience of my life.

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    And stay tuned next week for Round
                    2, when our isolated judges start
                    experiencing Vision Quests.

          Catherwood, in his tank, waves his arms around mystically.

                              CATHERWOOD
                    I thought I owned the car, but the
                    car owns me! You are wise, Spirit
                    Wolf. I return you to the wave of
                    colors from whence you came.

          CUT TO WIDE. The studio is completely empty. The two grips
          enter, wearing jackets and carrying lunch pails.

                              GRIP 1
                    HOLY F*CK WERE THEY HERE ALL
                    WEEKEND?

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    It's The Vibe, followed by an
                    It's-New-to-You Chuck, only on NBC.

          END.