Very Mary-Kate: Presentation 4

By

Elaine Carroll

          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

          JERMAINE is giving a presentation.

                              JERMAINE
                    BAM BAM BAM!  And then it was like,
                    BOOM!  And we were like, AHHH. 
                    Thank you.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Thank you, Jermaine, for that
                    report on... fireworks.  And now,
                    lowering the bar, raising the
                    curve, Ms. Olsen.

          Mary-Kate takes the stage.

                              MARY-KATE
                    My presentation is on war.

          She clicks a remote.  Fire goes off on either side of her.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Ah!  Jesus!  That's a fire hazard!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, calm down, it's fine.

          A bit of fire remains on the wall.  She tries to pat it out
          with her notebook, but her pats aren't forceful enough and
          her notebook catches on fire.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh no!

          She tries to blow it out but gets dizzy.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oooh, I'm dizzy.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Water!  Who has water?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, my juice cleanse!

                              PROFESSOR
                    Yes!

          Mary-Kate sips the juice cleanse.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Dizziness gone!

                              PROFESSOR
                         (urgent)
                    Mary-Kate: use the juice cleanse on
                    the fire.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Um, okay, Professor Text Adventure.

          She does.  The fire disappears.

                              MARY-KATE
                    What was I saying?  Oh, yeah, war.

          She goes to click the remote.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Don't!

                              MARY-KATE
                         (presenting)
                    War is, like, so dangerous.  You
                    could die, your phone could die...
                    That's why I'm creating an army
                    that's super safe, where phones
                    are always CHARGED!  Strapping
                    young men, spaghetti-strapped
                    girls:  I want you for the
                    Mary-Kavalry.

                              PROFESSOR
                         (rolling his eyes)
                    Rolling my eyes.

                              MARY-KATE
                    In the Mary-Kavalry, there are no
                    wars allowed.  No thumb wars, no
                    religious wars... I'm looking at
                    you, Jewish-looking girl.

                              LIMOR
                    Eat poison.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Our uniform was designed in
                    collaboration with Project Runway. 
                    Tristopher won the challenge with
                    this beautiful beige and gold
                    onesie.  Sadly, Jeremy's
                    Navy-inspired pants suit failed to
                    impress the judges.  Jeremy, that
                    means you're out.

          Jeremy sadly walk to the front of the class.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Alvederzane.

          She kisses him on each cheek.  He leaves.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Our motto is, "Don't be mad at me,
                    you're like my best friend," but
                    translated into Latin, so...
                    ont-day... ebay...

                              PROFESSOR
                    That's Pig Latin.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You can't just add pig to anything,
                    Fat Professor.
                         (continues)
                    Here's the chain of command.  With
                    hard work, you can be promoted from
                    Doodle Jumper all the way to Fruit
                    Ninja.
                         (continues)
                    We have a very strict ask/tell
                    policy.  You have to yell you're
                    gay at the top of your lungs with
                    your hands likes this and prepare
                    for hugs.  If no one's around, give
                    yourself a coat of arms.  Get it? 
                    It's like a coat made of your arms.
                         (continues)
                    I mean, anyone can join!  You're
                    never too young or too old, too man
                    or too woman, too skinny...

                              PROFESSOR
                    ...or?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, you would say "or."  In
                    conclusion, give me your tired,
                    your poor, your huddled masses, and
                    let me stand in the middle of you
                    guys, so I can warm up.  Seriously,
                    it's freezing in here.

          She clicks the remotes.  More fire.

                              PROFESSOR
                    No!

                              MARY-KATE
                         (warming her hands)
                    Ooooh.