By Elaine Carroll
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY JERMAINE is giving a presentation. JERMAINE BAM BAM BAM! And then it was like, BOOM! And we were like, AHHH. Thank you. PROFESSOR Thank you, Jermaine, for that report on... fireworks. And now, lowering the bar, raising the curve, Ms. Olsen. Mary-Kate takes the stage. MARY-KATE My presentation is on war. She clicks a remote. Fire goes off on either side of her. PROFESSOR Ah! Jesus! That's a fire hazard! MARY-KATE Oh, calm down, it's fine. A bit of fire remains on the wall. She tries to pat it out with her notebook, but her pats aren't forceful enough and her notebook catches on fire. MARY-KATE Oh no! She tries to blow it out but gets dizzy. MARY-KATE Oooh, I'm dizzy. PROFESSOR Water! Who has water?! MARY-KATE Oh, my juice cleanse! PROFESSOR Yes! Mary-Kate sips the juice cleanse. MARY-KATE Dizziness gone! PROFESSOR (urgent) Mary-Kate: use the juice cleanse on the fire. MARY-KATE Um, okay, Professor Text Adventure. She does. The fire disappears. MARY-KATE What was I saying? Oh, yeah, war. She goes to click the remote. PROFESSOR Don't! MARY-KATE (presenting) War is, like, so dangerous. You could die, your phone could die... That's why I'm creating an army that's super safe, where phones are always CHARGED! Strapping young men, spaghetti-strapped girls: I want you for the Mary-Kavalry. PROFESSOR (rolling his eyes) Rolling my eyes. MARY-KATE In the Mary-Kavalry, there are no wars allowed. No thumb wars, no religious wars... I'm looking at you, Jewish-looking girl. LIMOR Eat poison. MARY-KATE Our uniform was designed in collaboration with Project Runway. Tristopher won the challenge with this beautiful beige and gold onesie. Sadly, Jeremy's Navy-inspired pants suit failed to impress the judges. Jeremy, that means you're out. Jeremy sadly walk to the front of the class. MARY-KATE Alvederzane. She kisses him on each cheek. He leaves. MARY-KATE Our motto is, "Don't be mad at me, you're like my best friend," but translated into Latin, so... ont-day... ebay... PROFESSOR That's Pig Latin. MARY-KATE You can't just add pig to anything, Fat Professor. (continues) Here's the chain of command. With hard work, you can be promoted from Doodle Jumper all the way to Fruit Ninja. (continues) We have a very strict ask/tell policy. You have to yell you're gay at the top of your lungs with your hands likes this and prepare for hugs. If no one's around, give yourself a coat of arms. Get it? It's like a coat made of your arms. (continues) I mean, anyone can join! You're never too young or too old, too man or too woman, too skinny... PROFESSOR ...or? MARY-KATE Yeah, you would say "or." In conclusion, give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, and let me stand in the middle of you guys, so I can warm up. Seriously, it's freezing in here. She clicks the remotes. More fire. PROFESSOR No! MARY-KATE (warming her hands) Ooooh.