War. What is it good for? Cute uniforms!
By Elaine Carroll
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
JERMAINE is giving a presentation.
BAM BAM BAM! And then it was like,
BOOM! And we were like, AHHH.
Thank you, Jermaine, for that
report on... fireworks. And now,
lowering the bar, raising the
curve, Ms. Olsen.
Mary-Kate takes the stage.
My presentation is on war.
She clicks a remote. Fire goes off on either side of her.
Ah! Jesus! That's a fire hazard!
Oh, calm down, it's fine.
A bit of fire remains on the wall. She tries to pat it out
with her notebook, but her pats aren't forceful enough and
her notebook catches on fire.
She tries to blow it out but gets dizzy.
Oooh, I'm dizzy.
Water! Who has water?!
Oh, my juice cleanse!
Mary-Kate sips the juice cleanse.
Mary-Kate: use the juice cleanse on
Um, okay, Professor Text Adventure.
She does. The fire disappears.
What was I saying? Oh, yeah, war.
She goes to click the remote.
War is, like, so dangerous. You
could die, your phone could die...
That's why I'm creating an army
that's super safe, where phones
are always CHARGED! Strapping
young men, spaghetti-strapped
girls: I want you for the
(rolling his eyes)
Rolling my eyes.
In the Mary-Kavalry, there are no
wars allowed. No thumb wars, no
religious wars... I'm looking at
you, Jewish-looking girl.
Our uniform was designed in
collaboration with Project Runway.
Tristopher won the challenge with
this beautiful beige and gold
onesie. Sadly, Jeremy's
Navy-inspired pants suit failed to
impress the judges. Jeremy, that
means you're out.
Jeremy sadly walk to the front of the class.
She kisses him on each cheek. He leaves.
Our motto is, "Don't be mad at me,
you're like my best friend," but
translated into Latin, so...
That's Pig Latin.
You can't just add pig to anything,
Here's the chain of command. With
hard work, you can be promoted from
Doodle Jumper all the way to Fruit
We have a very strict ask/tell
policy. You have to yell you're
gay at the top of your lungs with
your hands likes this and prepare
for hugs. If no one's around, give
yourself a coat of arms. Get it?
It's like a coat made of your arms.
I mean, anyone can join! You're
never too young or too old, too man
or too woman, too skinny...
Yeah, you would say "or." In
conclusion, give me your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses, and
let me stand in the middle of you
guys, so I can warm up. Seriously,
it's freezing in here.
She clicks the remotes. More fire.
(warming her hands)