Your Six Christmas Movies

By

Ben Joseph

          It's YOU again.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This is you.

          CUT TO: YOU and the ROCKEFELLER CENTER CHRISTMAS TREE.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This is your holiday. You
                    understand it's not for everyone,
                    but you like it OK.

          TITLE CARD: THE SIX CHRISTMAS MOVIES YOU'LL LIVE THROUGH

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    And these are the six Christmas
                    movies you'll live through.

          TITLE CARD: THE CARTOON

          INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - ANIMATED

          DARKNESS. RED NUMBERS tell us it's 4:55 AM. Two EYES open.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You feel like you just ate Lucky
                    Charms for six weeks straight. Only
                    the marshmallows, of course.

          LIGHTS ON. YOU - age 4, a cartoon - hop out of bed and shove
          your face against the window. It's snowing outside!  

          You burst into your PARENT'S BEDROOM and wake them up.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Why sleep? There's no school. Every
                    meal is followed by cookies. Every
                    cookie is followed by toys.

          You ZOOM back and forth through frame, first carrying
          nothing, then COOKIES, then PRESENTS.

          MATCH CUT TO: In an ANIMATED SCHEMATIC, 12 TODDLERS in
          HARNESSES run in a circle, turning a giant POWER TURBINE.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Ethics aside, scientists say a
                    dozen four-year-olds under the
                    influence of Christmas could power
                    Missouri for the next 500 years.

          BACK TO SCENE. As the Narrator talks, fictional characters,
          all ready for Christmas, join you by the the CHRISTMAS TREE.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    All your favorite people love this
                    holiday. The Turtles, Pikachu,
                    Phineas, Ferb, John McClane, even
                    Spongebob. They all have Christmas
                    specials. Because Christmas-
                         (you mouth it to camera)
                    -is the mother-f*cking best.

          REVEAL: Your mom stares down at you, horrified.

          You play by the tree as your parents argue in BG:

                              MOM
                    You let him watch Die Hard?!

                              DAD
                    It's a classic!

          TITLE CARD: THE (ACTUAL) CLASSIC

          INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - LIVE ACTION, VINTAGE B&W

          You, in pajamas, eat from a CAN OF FROSTING under the tree.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Then, suddenly, it's no longer OK
                    to spend all day eating frosting in
                    your Spiderman onesie.

          Two hands yank you out from under the tree. In QUICK SHOTS,
          you're GROOMED and DRESSED for a holiday photo.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Suddenly, you're a small, adorable
                    prop in somebody's else's movie.

          Your FAMILY, in ELEGANT 1930s WARDROBE, poses for a holiday
          portrait. You fidget irritably.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This suit itches.

          You're at dinner, MEAT and CRANBERRY SAUCE in front of you.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    These are not cookies.

          You sit and watch It's a Wonderful Life with your parents.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This is not Donkey's Christmas
                    Shrektacular.
                         (beat)
                    Good Christmas stories have color
                    and 3D and talking dinosaurs
                    wearing Santa hats.

          You sit by the tree, unimpressed by a wooden BALL & CUP TOY.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    How could a Christmas like this be
                    fun for anybody?

          As you sit bored, your parents kiss romantically in the
          background, mirroring a scene from It's a Wonderful Life.

          TITLE CARD: THE COMEDY

          INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - LIVE-ACTION, COLOR

          You, now a TEENAGER, sit on a couch, surrounded by laughing
          RED-FACED RELATIVES in awful CHRISTMAS SWEATERS.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    When did your Christmas turn into a
                    series of broad comedic set-pieces?

          You stand up and walk through the house.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    The alcoholic relatives, the
                    obnoxious neighbors, the inevitable
                    decoration-related accidents.

          You pass a DRUNK COUPLE FIGHTING, a NEIGHBOR in the window,
          and your UNCLE, failing to put the star on the tree.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    It might be funny on a screen
                    somewhere-
                         (beat)
                    Actually, it wasn't really that
                    funny there, either.

          ULTRA QUICK CUTS: Posters for AWFUL CHRISTMAS COMEDIES.
          (Four Christmases, Christmas with the Kranks, Deck the
          Halls, Jingle All The Way, Fred Claus, etc.)

          You step OUTSIDE for a breath of fresh air.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This holiday is just a cynical cash
                    grab with no real heart. Two thumbs
                    down. Total waste of time.

          Then, you spot HER, next door, also seeking refuge from her
          family. She smiles. Waves.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Well, maybe not a total waste.

          Your UNCLE, tied to a plastic reindeer with Christmas
          lights, falls through frame, hitting the ground hard.

                              UNCLE
                         (quiet, in pain)
                    Oh, that's my femur.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You should probably take him to the
                    hospital.

          TITLE: THE ROMANCE

          EXT. THE CITY - LIVE ACTION

          You, now in your 20s, walk with her on a cold winter's day.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You never thought this would be
                    your type of movie.

          You're both on a MATTRESS in your apartment, kissing gently.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Two average young people-

          You stare at camera. The Narrator SIGHS and starts over.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Two successful, charismatic,
                    beautiful young lovers-

          Better. Kissing her, you motion for him to keep it coming.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         (quicker)
                    -who are also good at sex and
                    cooking and Scrabble-

          You sit on the couch with Her, laughing at the TV.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    -brought together by some holiday
                    coincidence fall madly, deeply,
                    perfectly in love.
                         (beat, quick)
                    Also the guy secretly fights space
                    crime.

          Josh gives camera a thumbs up.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    But there's always that stupid
                    second act. Holiday stress leads to
                    fractures, fractures becomes
                    cracks, and cracks threaten to
                    split the whole thing apart.

          QUICK SHOTS: Angry phone calls. You spot her shopping with
          another man. She waits with dinner but you never show up. A
          fight. Finally, she storms out, SLAMMING THE DOOR. 

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    But, hey, this is the movies. It
                    always works out.

          You stare at the door.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    It works out, right?

          TITLE CARD: THE CHRISTMAS CAROL

          INT. VICTORIAN OFFICE - LIVE ACTION

          YOU, in 18th century garb, work at a MUSTY OLD COMPUTER.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You know this one, right? It's the
                    story of a successful, hardworking
                    man who can't get any work done
                    because his stupid friends and
                    family keep bothering him.

                              YOU
                         (on the phone)
                    I'm sorry, Mom! I just can't make
                    it home this year!
                         (listens for a beat)
                    Because I have a job, that's why!
                         (you hang up)
                    Bah!
                         (soft, under your breath)
                    Humbug.

          At your desk, you efficiently wrap presents.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You sent presents. For dad, you
                    even found that Japanese thing that
                    makes coffee and lentils at the
                    same time. What more do they want?!

          You load the gifts onto an ORPHAN BOY and get back to work.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You can't afford any distractions.
                    Not now. At least there's no such
                    thing as ghosts from the past-

          The bell above the door RINGS. You look up. It's HER.

                              HER
                         (a little bashful)
                    Merry Christmas?

          Of your stunned expression, we FADE TO BLACK.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This last movie isn't great.

          A LENS CAP comes off. YOU, a little older, stare down into
          camera. The image quality is grainy, home video.

                              YOU
                    What the hell is AEB-

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    The cinematographer clearly has no
                    idea what he's doing.

                              HER (O.S.)
                    Ready?

                              YOU
                         (adjusting settings)
                    Yeah- Just- Give me a sec-

          Our screen turns SEPIA, then NEON, then OFF. CUT TO:

          JITTERY FOOTAGE of your LIVING ROOM, ready for Christmas.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    The actors miss their cues. Stammer
                    through their lies. Act without any
                    clear motivation.

          SHE enters, sleepy, with a BABY. You push camera at her.

                              YOU
                    Hello gorgeous.

                              HER
                         (laughing)
                    Shut-up.
                         (beat)
                    Oh, f*ck, he just spit up on me. I
                    need to change-

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Still, it has a certain charm to
                    it. An authenticity.

          You set up the camera and join your family on the couch. A
          NATURAL, IMPROVISED conversation ensues along these lines:

                              HER
                    Are you sure you set the timer?

                              YOU
                    Yeah, I'm sure- You get the dog?

                              HER
                    No, I thought you-

                              YOU
                         (to O.S.)
                    Sandy! Come here Sandy!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    It's not perfect. It's not
                    beautiful. Sometimes, there's puke
                    on it. But it's always yours.

          DOG NOISES approach camera from O.S.

                              YOU/HER
                    Sandy, be careful. / STOP!

          Camera starts to FALL OVER. SNAP. FREEZE FRAME on a
          CHRISTMAS CARD of the FAMILY, scared, lunging toward camera.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Merry Christmas.

          END.