Nick Fury In Other Movies

By

Ben Joseph

          TITLE CARD: THE SOCIAL NETWORK

          As the FINAL CREDITS scroll by, we CUT TO:

          INT. LAW OFFICE

          MARK ZUCKERBERG sits typing. He stops and sighs. A SLOW CLAP
          causes him to sit up with a start - it's NICK FURY.

                              NICK FURY
                    "If you were the inventors of
                    Facebook, you would have invented
                    Facebook." Ha! I like that.

                              MARK ZUCKERBERG
                    Who are you?

                              NICK FURY
                    Nick Fury. Director of SHIELD. You
                    feeling sorry for yourself, little
                    billionaire? Sad that you don't
                    have any real friends?

                              MARK ZUCKERBERG
                    I'm not-

                              NICK FURY
                    I like you, Mark Zuckerberg. I want
                    to be your friend.
                         (leans forward)
                    Do you want me to be your friend,
                    Mark Zuckerberg?

          Mark's not sure how to react.

          TITLE CARD: BLACK SWAN

          INT. THEATER - BACKSTAGE

          NINA, in her WHITE SWAN costume, drags herself backstage.
          THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE can be heard in the distance. It dies,
          but one SLOW CLAP continues. It's Nick Fury.

                              NINA
                         (very weak)
                    Who...

                              NICK FURY
                    You're crazy and have swan powers.
                    I like that.

                              NINA
                    I think- They were hallucinations-

                              NICK
                    You ready to use those crazy-ass
                    swan powers to help your country?

          Nina collapses.

                              NICK
                    Ah.

          Nick walks away awkwardly.

          TITLE CARD: SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE

          EXT. STREET - NIGHT

          On a wall, the moon behind them, KIRK leans
          into MOLLY (the "10") while CHEESY POP plays. They KISS.

          Nick Fury POPS UP BEHIND THEM. The music stops.

                              NICK FURY
                    BOO!

          The couple SCREAMS.

                              NICK FURY
                    She's a ten. You're a-
                         (checks him out)
                    -5. And you made it work despite
                    some hilarious obstacles! I like
                    that. Want to be a superhero?

                              KIRK
                    I'm not sure I'm, uh-

                              NICK FURY
                    -qualified? Screw that. We just
                    hired a guy who shoots arrows.
                    ARROWS!
                         (beat)
                    You want his spot?

          Kirk doesn't say anything.

          TITLE CARD: PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2

          INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN

          POV of a B&W SECURITY CAMERA, just like the movie. NICK FURY
          walks in, SLOW CLAPPING.

                              NICK FURY
                         (to camera)
                    Well, well, well. I hear you're a
                    pretty scary ghost, ghost.
                         (beat)
                    I guess the real question is, are
                    you ready to be scary... For your
                    country?

          In the background a DOOR OPENS by itself.

                              NICK FURY
                    Oh shit-

          Fury fires his gun repeatedly at the door.

          TITLE CARD: TOY STORY 3

          INT. TOY CHEST

          We're inside the chest as it closes, obscuring a LITTLE
          GIRL'S ROOM. We hear FOOTSTEPS.

                              BUZZ/WOODY/OTHERS
                    Sh! She's coming! / Everybody be
                    quiet! / Calm down!

          The chest OPENS, revealing NICK FURY'S FACE.

                              NICK FURY
                    That's right. Nick Fury broke into
                    this little girl's room.
                         (beat)
                    Hey guess what? You're toys that
                    move when kids aren't watching.
                    That's freaky. I like freaky.
                         (beat)
                    Way freakier than some ghost that
                    opens door. Ghost, you're out.
                    Toys, you're in.

          TITLE CARD: BABIES: A DOCUMENTARY

          EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH

          An ADORABLE AFRICAN TODDLER sits and plays in the dirt. NICK
          FURY'S boots come into frame. A BEAT. Nick Fury PICKS UP THE
          TODDLER and runs away.

          TITLE CARD: THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

          EXT. WOODS

          EDWARD CULLEN stands, SPARKLING in the SUN, with BELLA.
          There's a RUSTLING in the woods. JACOB emerges.

                              BELLA
                    Jacob!

                              JACOB
                    Bella, I-

          SLOW CLAPPING. Nick Fury approaches.

                              NICK FURY
                    Well, well- You know what? No. No.
                    Avengers don't need no sparkly
                    vampires. Wolf boy, you're in. Just
                    find a damn shirt.

          Jacob pumps his fist.

                              NICK FURY
                    Hell, pale girl, you can come too.

          The three walk off.

                              EDWARD
                    But I-

                              NICK FURY
                    NO!

          CUT TO:

          INT. AVENGERS HEADQUARTERS

          HEROIC MUSIC. The AVENGERS - THOR, IRON MAN, BRUCE BANNER,
          CAPTAIN AMERICA, HAWKEYE - stand in a HERO SHOT.

          The music stops. PULL OUT TO REVEAL: The other characters
          from the sketch stand awkwardly next to the heroes.

          REVERSE: Nick and a SHIELD AGENT in a suit review the group.

                              SHIELD AGENT
                    Yeah, there are WAY too many people
                    on this team.

                              NICK FURY
                         (non-sequitur)
                    I USED TO BE A WHITE GUY!

          SMASH CUT TO: AVENGERS TITLE CARD over HEROIC MUSIC.

          END.