WTF

Last night I had a dream that a buddy and I tag-teamed Scarlett Johansson, and the entire dream was narrated to me by myself, like an episode of How I Met Your Mother.

I'm an I.T. guy with a military background, so I know computers and I'm a security freak. As a result, I have a custom-made security system at home. One of the things that will trigger the alarm is loud noises. I set the threshold at 125dB, so things like gunshots and breaking glass will trigger it, but not watching TV and the like. I'm sitting at work and I get a notification... Read More » that the alarm was trigger. I frantically connect to my security system to see what's going on. I work in a Network Operations Center, so I pull up the security system on one of the main displays (you know, showin' off my sweet setup). When I pull up the camera (which also has audio), we don't see a burglar, or a fire, or a car smashed into my house. No. Instead, it's my wife. Howling some country song. Completely naked. RIGHT in front of the camera. We have our holiday party tomorrow. I'm not going to tell her anything...

So this happened a few years ago to a friend of mine at camp. We were all Counselors In Training, and during swim time, the kids were roughhousing with us like they always do. My friend throws a kid off him, and we hear this ripping sound. Turns out, the kid was holding onto my friends nipple when he was thrown off. Sitting about five feet away was his floating nipple, and now... Read More » he's down to one.

For some reason, my twelve year old brother is curious about my parents' sex life. Every day, he sneaks into my dad's bathroom and counts how many condoms are there. Yesterday, he barged into my room, shouting "Mom and Dad had sex last night!" Apparently one condom had gone missing. I honestly have no idea why he finds this so fascinating. Me? I really don't need to know about... Read More » my parents having sex. *shudder*