Jokes

This is rediculous! I've been sitting at my table for two hours and the waiter still hasn't taken my order! I'm never coming to McDonalds again!

An elderly woman had three cats that she was very close to. One day, one of the three cats died. She hated to part with any of them so she buried the first one in her back yard. Later on, the second one died. She buired that one near her back steps. A few years later, the third one died. She refused to bury the third one so she put it in a small satchel and carried it around... Read More » with her wherever she would go. One very hot summer day she got on a bus and told the bus driver; " I have my dear pet cat in this satchel, it it starts to smell, let me know and I well get off the bus". A little later, the bus driver yelled out; "Would the woman with the stinking pussy, please get off the bus!" Eight women got up and got off the bus.

If I owned a Great Dane I would name it Peeve. That way I could introduce him to people as my biggest pet, Peeve.

The worst part about accidently rubbing deodorant into your eye is that it won't let you have any tears to cry it out.

There's a Ramen Noodle flavor for each level of depression.

Every walk is the walk of shame when you're wearing Crocs.

This horse meat thing is really getting out of hand. Today I went to a steak house and ordered Black Angus... They gave me Black Beauty.

Do Transformers get car or life insurance?

My wife is a sex opossum. Every time I bring up the topic she drops to the floor and plays dead.

I thought entering the Witness Protection Program would be fun, but I'm getting really sick of having to protect all these witnesses.

I have auto-correct for my voice... its called my wife.

I'm sure that if there is a heaven, Billy May's is partying like it's $19.99!

Just opened my Electric bill and my Water bill at the same time and was completely shocked.

If I had a nickel for every time I ingested a dangerous amount of dish soap, I'm pretty sure I would have a nickel right now.

Just got that stomach-stapling surgery, but I don't think having this second stomach attached is helping me eat more like I wanted it to.

Sometimes my wife tries to tickle me while I'm on the toilet. You know, just for shits and giggles

Q: What's the similarity between an unwanted pregnancy and leaving your keys inside your car? A: They are both easily fixable with a coat-hanger..

I have a multiple personality disorder.. It's called my family.

My friend who was a Mac computer software engineer recently passed away. His heart unexpectedly quit.

Old man: "Martha!, what's the name of that damn German guy who keeps hiding my things?!" Old woman: "Alzheimer, Frank, Alzheimer..."