dr pepper for dudes

Dr. Pepper / Youtube

There exists a weird subgenre of consumer products that has popped up more and more frequently over the past few years that I can't help but think is the most bizarre thing ever: versions of normal, everyday products....BUT EXPLICITLY FOR MEN. Now, these are not products where your gender would make any difference whatsoever - it's not dick cream or anything like that. I'm talking...wet wipes, greeting cards, cleaning products, and basically anything else that would normally be the most gender-neutral stuff imaginable.

And yet, these "masculine" products exist. WHY?

The only reasonable explanation has become a calling card - "fragile masculinity." People so utterly and constantly concerned about how masculine they're being perceived by others, that they HAVE to get explicitly male-oriented versions of products, just to dispell any possible misconceptions that their gender identity might have any inkling of femininity or even a hint of gender-neutrality. "WHAT IF PEOPLE THINK I'M GAY FOR HAVING A YANKEE CANDLE?!" is the kind of thought process that goes through their heads (presumably).

Which brings us to these....things. I'm sure they're all fine products. I'm also sure there's no reason for them to be marketed explicitly to men, because holy crap what do any of these things have to do with gender?



1. DUDE, WHAT IF SOMEONE CAUGHT YOU WIPING YOUR BUTT WITH ONE OF THOSE GIRLY-LOOKIN' BUTT WIPES??? WORRY NO LONGER!



2. So...are these exclusively for JOing or something?



3. When taking a nice relaxing salty bath, you gotta remind everyone in your household that this is EXTREMELY BADASS AND MANLY.



4. "HEY CAN THE CLEANING SPRAY BOTTLE  BE IN THE SHAPE OF A HANDGUN NEXT TIME? PLEASE THAT WOULD HELP A LOT, THANKS"



5. Okay, "Man Dip" legitimately sounds disgusting as hell and way, way more effeminate than salsa



6. "Get well, bro. Or whatever. Who cares. You see the game? Can't believe that fumble. Damn, Bella Thorne is hot."



7. C'mon, nerds watching anime don't need to feel MORE aware that they're dudes.



8. Just buy a regular candle, guys. C'mon. Your self-image cannot possibly be this screwed up.



9. It's already called chapstick! "Chap" is British for "dude!" COME ON!



10. Okay, well, at least Colgate admitted it was nothing but a marketing scam meant to sucker in weak-willed dudes desperately trying to reinforce their own sense of masculinity.